Archives for posts with tag: love

Moments of inspiration, respiration, perspiration, they come in and out of life.  When a person is born, we celebrate.  When a person dies, we mourn.  A celebration

of the life they shared with us and the world is a productive, optimistic, motivating choice. I wholly empathize, and cry hard, to the point of nausea, when a close loved one croaks.  All that morose feelings, though, is for me, my regrets for not seeing them that one last time, hurt I did not soak up every opportunity with them because my “life”, and appointments, and commitments got in my own way. Excuses.

Our loved ones know we love them, they know this because we spent loving time and shared deep unexplainable connections, over countless moments together. To have regrets, the pain is deep. A pain unalterable, all we can do is allow, and let go. How easy it is, two simple, short words, to say: Let go, of all we wish had happened, would happen. How brief this life is, and how peaceful we can choose to breathe. Or to heave, with sobbing thrusts, when all is truly out of our little control. Control, like time, and money, are, in fact, illusions. Death commands: Relinquish.

This year has proven a grand reminder, to live in this moment, this present before me NOW. To breathe deeply, in and out, to seek ways to calm myself and care for this little being, channeling the most energetic essence, that is me. Many times, folks have told me I have to take care of myself, and those too are easy, valuable words. Figuring out HOW to care for myself, when life has thrown much seriousness to deal with onto the playing board, I try to … PLAY. As a wooer of words, I adore looking up synonyms. My favorite for months has been

PLAYFUL [adj] funny, fun-loving: coltish, flirtatious, frisky, jaunty, jesting, jocund, mirthful, rollicking, snappy, vivacious, whimsical, and zippy.

Simply typing these words has spanned a smile wide across my face. May mirth rollick into you day in many ways.  It’s all worthy.

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This Monday 10/10 I am enthralled to be a guest on BBox internet radio!  Have a listen from 1-3pm EST!!

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KatrinaPerkins.com

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I am postponing a blog about on-set vocabulary, because a young friend who is recovering from an aneurysm asked the title question a couple times on a recent visit. Although I am a relatively appreciative human, all things are in flux.  Sunrise, sunset, balance, diet, sleep, cleanliness, inhale, exhale, the space inbetween, and the cycle of all these moments mingling.  Perfectionism is a fallacy, a frustration at which to be smiled and laughed at loudly.  A beautiful, temporarily, forgetful Being reminded me, we may think we make connections, words to ideas, motivation to movement.  Truly, we make moments – the pinnacle Being filled with Love and Laughter.

I am grateful to have visited her in a rehabilitation center.  She is so free, even to stop and explain her fear of doing less good should she continue.  Through a huge joyous smile, expressing how “frustrating” and literally grasping at not being able to find the right word, she entertained the room with her shining energy of perseverance.  So beautiful, always, on the outside, yet had been somehow hesitant and shy with people when participating in her passion: photography.  Now, from a bed she radiates confidence and enthusiasm making each moment Perfect.  Truth is, rather than this illusion we imagine- a sad magic reductionism, a mental cobweb we catch and wind ourselves up in- the deeper stuff, the sense/feeling in our guts prior to words and explanations, that is Real.

Patient, at times, frustrated, at time, calm, hot, sweet, mean, tired, jazzed, confident, afraid, self-conscious, free, as humans we contain all colors, words, and the labels they offer.  As an actor, I must accentuate what is a slight aspect of myself and emphasize one streak for a role- become comfortable, justify the “rightness” of behaving in a manner “less strong” or “slutty”.  To make sense and appreciate hearing a breeze dancing the leaves outside my window- and link the hieroglyphics we have created to represent this imagery = blessed.  Unintentionally, I punned the young friend in parting: Keep Being Patient with Yourself.  Are we not all Patients in the rehab ward for regularly re-learning Patience 🙂

P.S.  Please share YOUR answer to the title below!

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Katrina Perkins. . . You Love with Love.  A dear friend, who happens to live across the globe, and whom I have yet set eyes on in person, sent me a most thoughtfully artistic gift.  As ‘pen pals’ we communicate through this delightful invention termed “The Internet”.  He consistently brings me laughter and smiles with his blog BlueFishWay and we have a running callback of having breakfast together each morning- a goal I hope one day to realize in the flesh!

In this life that is all too brief, one leaf on a tree in a forrest but for a season, it delights me much to have found friends who believe and support creative efforts.  It is a pleasure to applaud them, as well. We each have a voice, and this is recently reminded to me as I am in the midst of listening to a powerful audiobook, for perhaps the second or third time, “The War of Art” by S. Pressfield.  It is important to remember that the act of creating is selfLess The actor/writer/photographer creates to serve The Muse.  So many strive to create, to bring life and inspiration through art and its platform to bring clarity and beauty into the life of another human. Write the stories You want to read and watch . . . this is what occurred to me when viewing a movie I had once, in another chapter of my life, enjoyed.

Still I feasted visually on the location: Ireland.  However, the trite pursuit of a woman to wed, left me rolling my eyes skyward, and wishing for more stories of Women of Courage.  Throughout history many strong females existed, at the forefront of change and perseverance – Pocahontas, Debra Sampson, Elizabeth Blackwell, Annie Oakley, Annie Sullivan, and Amelia Earhart – are a mere half dozen.  This comes on the heals of a one woman play I am currently rehearsing which features these daring and brave women. Respected, admired, and inspired by true actions, these are the traits I seek in a Hero – someone to love.  Courage is a twinkle, a star that makes others smile and breathe deeply.  Thank you, to all who inspire themselves, fore YOU inspire me!

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-One person’s sole job is wetting the sidewalk, over and over Birdmanand over again- all night for five plus hours to keep it wet and give that slick, reflecting light look the camera loves (technical term is a “wet down”).

-Another person’s duty is putting smoke in the air: more smoke, less smoke, walk it through the set or location, fan it because there’s too much, the haziness is overwhelming the scene.

-One man (sadly it is a male dominated business, but what isn’t) is on a crane with a big spot-light to simulate a helicopter flyover in the shot.

I have not even mentioned the director, the stunts co-ordinator, or the caterer.  The point is- that long list of “credits” at the end of every [big budget $300 million dollar budget] movie prove just how many creative collaborators are necessary to manifest the entertainment we all spend our money to escape into for a couple hours of unbelievable safe excitement.

These people are Living what they dream.  They simply do not last otherwise because the stress is so immense one must Love it to stay in this business of SHOW.  With so many cooks in the kitchen, havoc and head-butting are sure to abound.  And yet we choose to show-up and take more work opportunities because the thrill to be a part is so rewarding.

This week I learned a new title- staff assistant- a position responsible to the A.D.s (Assistant Director- no explanation necessary right, the title is pretty self-explanatory), of which there are three: the first A.D., the Second A.D. and the Second 2nd.  Usually, there are a handful of staff assistants to act as extra hands, eyes, mouths for the Assistant Directors.  One such ‘staff assistant’ informed me on a recent day of filming 180 staff assistants were on-hand for a huge location shoot requiring the shut-down of a large well-know New York street!  I live by the motto/sutra “Do unto others…” and there for am genuinely friendly and interested in most everyone on-set; one because I am so thankful and happy to be there and two we are all there to accomplish the same goal so LET US HAVE FUN!

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A New Year!  Every moment is new, an opportunity to see the world fresh, full of favorable circumstances.  Last January 8th my phone rang, waking me, just after midnight.  In my depths I instantaneously knew all was not well.  It was my mother; my father had died. Emotion struck hard, even now, because Dad was ‘my guy’- I could count on for support, easy understanding, and open communication with honest comfort.  His death spurred me to push toward a life less shackled and more a waking joy to live.

The torment at not traveling home for the holidays; Dad :)his haunting response to a declaration I would be there in March- “I hope I’m still around”.  He is Peaceful now- not dealing with doctors and breathing machines while he sleeps, or my mother nagging as his nurse to use less salt, stop eating coffee cake muffins at Dunkin’ Doughnuts, and remember to take his pills.  In order to make it through the ten days I was in Florida to speak at his funeral and be at the military memorial, it was a must to find purpose from his passing.  Before returning to New York, I vowed to move confidently in directions to accomplish my dreams.  Confiding in a friend, fortunately an excellent business manager, a promise was fashioned to forge a detailed plan of action.  Every moment is for a purpose, every relationship serves an intention- acting drew me to Her- fore if I had never married, thence moving to Los Angeles, I would have never been immersed in the curiosity and subsequent motivation to live poetry.

Fortunately, the acting classes on my path in Hollywood were great- fostering truth and reality of life through doing.  While each day presents its own challenge in WORKing for myself with as much discipline as I work for an employer, I am closer the the life of my dreams this year.  January of 2012 I was happy to be acting in a play as the lead character.  January of 2013 I am even more thankful to be working on movies and optimistic about finding the best agent to add to the team of Katrina Perkins Inc.

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Religiously, a pot of white tea starts my every morning, even when the wake-up is 3 A.M.  My habit is to fill the cup below the brim, though, laughably, rarely low enough to include the essential cooling of soy milk, permitting immediate consumption.  Some see life, a situation, a moment, as half full, some sad souls perceive the same circumstance as half empty.  This 5’3″ force of nature, a rose named Katrina, contained here, for now, in a petite 110 pound meat sack, laughs in loud, luxuriant torrents, cascading melodious aplomb all over those in her cheery splash zone.  To me it is certain: Laughter IS the best medicine.

Last week it was my pleasure to work two days on the set of  a wondrous fairytale movie set primarily in 1916 Brooklyn-20121207-00083New York- based on a 25-year-old novel “Winter’s Tale”.  All it took was reading the words ‘flying horse’, and I was hooked.  Pegasus enamor me, always have, most memorably since discovering an amazingly detailed sketch by an anonymous, mysterious artist left in a book (on how to draw horses) checked out from the library when I was in elementary school.  I still have that drawing, and vividly remember its energy- the horse appearing to stomp the earth one moment prior to forcibly taking flight.  Art is magic.  Being able to escape into a make-believe imperfect-perfection for a few short sweet hours is a relaxing immersion in which most all of us partake.  I exude gratitude and beatitude to be even a sliver of one synergetic share in the production of creating visualized moving imagination.

Experiencing multiple fellow background actors recently, however, proved poisonous and off-putting.  Many complained about standing on the sidewalk in uncomfortable shoes with cold feet, passing pedestrians pushing/probing for information, and gossiped over a young celebrity they felt “had no right” playing an elderly star in her biography.  I was happy to be placed solo on my mark’s starting point, chatting and smiling with each glancing member of the crew.  To recall motoring by a film as it shot, curious and yearning to be a part, I exemplified appreciation at being on the recorded side of the camera lens.

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For the first time, since quitting a full-time job two months ago, I have made enough money to cover the week’s expenses.  Though it is only one week, what a reassuring way to begin a full month of Autumn!  Through work on CBS T.V. shows ‘Blue Bloods’ on Monday and ‘Elementary’ (the new take on the classic Sherlock Holmes tale with Watson played by the lovely Lucy Liu) on Friday, combined with the regular Wednesday retained at the Retina Surgeon’s office- savings remain safe- or at least extended.  I am on the way toward supporting the monetary expenses of life through being an artist.

The second week of October, to balance, proved less exciting.  Casting rang and asked me to hold Tuesday directly following Labor Day for a show in its first season: ‘Next Caller’ with Dane Cook.  I was thankful, and declined a subsequent request from ‘Law & Order: SVU’ for the same date.  However, the holiday was cause for a rearrange of scheduling and a cancelation for my booking.  Naturally, the spot had been filled for the other show.  Although, I ended up being asked to work an extra day in the doctor’s office due to staff absences for vacations and illnesses.  No show biz work or paychecks for week two, though the additional day in the office coupled with an evening modeling for a two hour art class- again the week’s bills were made.  

All’s well.  Truthfully, I strive to consistently put the sunny-side of things out there, but for some reason, though I rationally know I am making progress and am scheduled for work on shows Monday (‘Smash’) and Tuesday- ahead of the weekly budget- emotion has me downtrodden.  Perhaps it is the impending birthday, once excited for, at the end of the week.  Or the focus on where I want to be over what I am doing to get there in a successive manner of small accomplishments.  Realizing it IS only a funk for the moment, grown into this day, I pledge to funnel the feelings into creative motivation andconquer the real issue- my need for an agent.

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I am myself and no one else

I play the cards-fate’s deltas

Together, now we play this game

You and I “what is in a name?”

Unlike you; I win! You lose.

Not comprehending my recent rouse

You yell and scream..

Left in your dream.

Permitted your reality;

Allow me mine and let me be.

I know you’ll do what’s good for you.

Be sure I’ll do the best for me.

My reason lies within..

Relies on me and where I’ve been

As well as what my future holds

Which by no psychic can be told

You believe you could control me

How naive would I have to be?

Intelligent manipulation

One fallacy of our great nation

Oxy-MORON

Died in the wool

Wake-up beautiful

My brain does function, while

You con-nect dis/junctions

Do not maintain your refrain

Please, challenge your own brain

Freedom relished- understood,

Able to do all I wished I could.

Happiness- adulthood-

Anticipation of what I should

Do for Me and not for you.

Not bound by your sad missed venue,

I impart upon My journey

Of Life and World and all Beauty.

Discover, Learn and be myself

create and fill my own bookshelf

With what is mine, my mind inside

Though not haystly rushed before I

Careful, Cautious- True-

For Me, -not for you?

Individual- I stand

Holding humanities soft touch hand.

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There’s a place that no one knows

Sometimes most I love to go

Always here I’m all alone

Near to me and close to home

The space is small and warmth resides

No fear exists; no truth to hide

I’m loud and free, out of my mind

More paths must be I want to find

Searching- there, is happiness

Landing- comfort, I confess

Always, you expect to be.

Changing is reality

Know final words, of what,? to say

My feelings here have gone astray

Growing them from sad and glum

Smiling now I laugh and hummm

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The average yearly income for an actor in the state of California is $60,000….a median number I would will be happy to earn next year.  This fact was delivered to my attention in the form of a notice stating $4030.50 was due by me before September 15th. Thankfully, a pleasant and knowledgable Jack in Sacramento made this simple mistake, via the city of Los Angeles, disappear.  Some individuals might have become worked-up over a scary expensive notice with no validity, but because I knew there was zero truth to the claim- it was easy to laugh.

I love how we are tested to practice what we preach.  This bill arrived the day I signed up to become a member of SAG-AFTRA, the union for professional film, television, and radio artists.  A weighty decision- admittedly not contained in the budgetary savings- with a price tag of $3,000.  Being eligible to join from time studying/pursuing acting in Los Angeles, I committed to the currency of this endeavor after taking a step back and re-evaluating the ultimate goal: to be working as an actress professionally.  Naturally, at some point, to achieve this ambition I would eventually be paying the initiation fee to be a part of this organization.  So why now?

Because, one company (utilized by ‘Boardwalk Empire’) supplying background actors for television and films shot in New York, where it pleases me to reside, allows union members to register with them on the first Wednesday of each month.  Non-union actors are invited to mail a headshot/resume, and submit themselves for occasionally updated casting notices listed on the website.  This option seemed to present a lower opportunity for success.  The intention is in pursuit to live the life of my dreams: to be paid as an artist, therefore, I consider this a necessary investment moving me toward my professional career!  In spite of the monetary magnitude, I am grateful for the skill alluded to with this status.  When approaching agents and casting directors one less obstacle, that may or may not have been preventing progress, is removed.  I was already behaving as a professional and now I made it official!

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