Archives for posts with tag: overcoming fears

I have not known where to begin.  Multiple events have transpired and yet I remain with simply no clue how to cover them all: a blog for each? is that enough for a whole post by itself? has it been too long? am I suppose to keep-up with “behind the scenes” 411?  Therefore, as I often do (or do-not, to the point) when a perfect, easy solution evades me… I refrain from forward momentum and make mac n’cheese or chicken noodle soup, pondering the options.

"in the booth"

“in the booth”

Let us now begin with “The Million Second Quiz”: exhilarating and balanced by being challenging. A twelve hour LIVE shift made the combo deliciously exhausting.  As a voice over artist, I am experienced recording in a sound studio with only my auditory craftsmanship to carry me.  As a theater performer, LIVE is the name of the game; stepping onto a stage butterflies of possibility propel at the same instant catch your breath.  I could literally trip and fall, forget a line, the other guy could forget his- and there we might be in silence… where do we go from here… and that ‘anything could happen’ truth and connectedness is what feels like a roller coaster we stand on line for hours to share.

Standing-In for Seacrest

Standing-In for Seacrest

The Quiz was unique as a disembodied interactive voice, sans true rehearsals, asking questions LIVE to contestants battling to make it to/stay in “The Money Chair”.  I would speak clearly, and slowly- that was key because the pre-determined random questions handed to me every other hour (I was on for an hour, then an hour to prepare, whilst the other questioner queried contenders) were limited: RUNNING out was simply not an option.  Hence, I repeatedly heard “Slow down” directed in my headset.  Watching online, one could witness the impatience on the faces of would be millionaires as we took time to enunciate every multiple choice answer.  There was a script, and Ryan Seacrest is the one paid to ad-lib.  Eventually the twelve hours overnight shift required jumping jacks around 4 A.M., but the camaraderie of having a seat on such a Great Adventure was an overall blast!

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Skyline drive

 

golden velvet liquid ripples

become lavender smoke

grows silence pre dark’s crowning

blessing time `s near broke.

keen aim ablaze propels

Nature’s gentle admiration-

profound Magic smiles-

to steady thoughts of calm creation.

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Facebook  please ‘Like’ the fan page– I reciprocate

IMDB check out my International Movie DataBase link

Instagram see my world on KatrinaPerkinsTV

KindredSpirit has been generous to nominate me for the ‘WordPress Family’ Award!  With humility, I am honored wordpress-family-awardand appreciative to Scott.

The rules follow:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is all folks. Please pick 10 people who have taken you as  a friend, and spread the love.

We are all kindred writing spirits, see what I did there KindredSpirit,  and if I don’t pick you this ten around, your commitment and loyalty remain on my radar for the next nomination!  Please trust we are all still the best of writing comrades!!

May I present, Katrina’s Tantalizing Ten:

1.  Alastair  a photo-fabulous perspective and supremely supportive

2.  BBRProductions  achieve your dreams because your Life IS your business

3.  John W. Howell  a reader who writes

4.  Ralph  honesty and integrity

5.  Rev Dani Lynn  morality and healing

6.  Laurie Buchanan  Tuesday’s are a treat with thoughtfulness

7.  IAmForChange  uplifting and poetic

8.  Miss Ayo Délé  the most colorful photos to make you smile

9.  Seyi Sandra David  a spark of inspiration

10. Make A Right Left Here .com -a motivated entertainer sharing positive motivation

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Facebook  please ‘Like’ the fan page– I reciprocate

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A few days ago, the funk got me.  Though it only lasted the span of a day or so,IMG_0685 I felt it creeping in for several days leading up. Consciously suspecting some of the triggers collaboratively pushing me closer to the precipice, the ultimate tipping point came, naturally, from one I feel safest and most vulnerable toward.  However, I forget myself, back to the beginning… I believe it began with a reflection on my past arising from an opportunity working on a pilot called “The Tomorrow People” (an already successful UK production trying it’s faire in the US) involving an acting teacher I mentioned, coincidentally, in only my last post- Mark Pellegrino.

At first I was incredibly excited to see him, in New York, having taken classes with him in Los Angeles for over two years, because his working in the Business was always inspiring.  The Networking opportunities seemed lucid and a Casting Director, new to me, was now on my radar with which to create a connection.  Only hours later did the thought occur to me, perhaps he doesn’t remember me, it was over ten years ago.  Alas, it did not make a difference- of the scenes being shot he was included in only one- the first one, taking place outside on a cold, windy day by the water, where I was placed walking across the street.  Whether Mr. Pellegrino would have remembered me is a moot point, because the truth is I never got close enough to say “Hello, again”.

And yet, for not less than a handful of other men on-set that night Katrina Perkins was a definite stand-out.  Please understand, as a teenager this duck was less comely, and these days I conduct myself with utmost professionalism- though this is not what makes me memorable.  In this business, assets are what you work with, and managing liabilities, namely sex-appeal in a male dominated field is (albeit absurd?) a current challenge I strive to circumvent. Supposing this was the catalyst to commence demoralization, I appreciate and am interested in a good conversation, even more-so when it lacks the obvious ulterior motive.  Am I too naive?

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"Sex In the City" Prequel

“Sex In the City” Prequel

Being a “perfectionist” is a nice way of spinning a fear of letting go.  We all want things to be the best they can; all share a certain amount of control issues, whether claiming responsibility or shirking away, ultimately it is utter illusion.  When it comes down to doing something or not doing it, a fear of failing can create a fear of beginning.  An extremely knowledgable and generous company, BBR Productions, holds a FREE writing class locally on Long Island every Wednesday night.  Various “characters” attend- writers, actors, directors, girlfriends, introverts, extroverts, comedians – and most share, all become inspired to tackle walls and get the vision unique to each individual voice down on paper (or typed on a computer screen).  “Write everyday.”- That’s the class motto.

Writing, and beyond question some of you will concur, has always been clarifying and therapeutic.  Allowing another to read intimate thoughts drafted from one’s depths is terrifying.  Will they get it/How will they respond/Is it good?  Sharing truth is always good.  Waiting for ‘perfection’ is a mere excuse.  “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”- Hamlet would know, the whole play is basically him thinking out-loud.

Always, we will prove ourselves right – I’m fat/too short/old – stop thinking, and judging your worth (except in the event you are deciding kindly on your true deep value) : you are worthy because you are here.  Each choice we have made have made us– and anyone in our exact life situation with all our exact life experiences would choose the exact way we have.  Judgement of ourselves and fear of judgement from others, ingrained and reinforced since childhood, simply is simple, and silly.  We evolve, judgement and fear served us for a time and place of protection in infancy, however the moment to Let Go of naive trepidation is now.  We are grown, life has tested us and made us strong, and we continue to gain fortitude.  On that note, I am off for an hour of Yoga- my personal medicine to accept myself and others openly and with gratitude for their grace (and lack-there-of).  Foster Peace.

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Last week I had a ‘Go-See’ with L’Oreal.  A ‘Go-See’ is like an audition, except for models- so the clients can see how you look in person, and usually, how you walk (the runway, as a model).  In this case it was to evaluate hair to determine if I was an apt specimen to demonstrate a new hair gloss product to the people of L’Oreal flying into New York from around the globe for a week long convention to educate the company hairstylists about all the innovating products newly available.  Being an actress, this was my first ‘Go-See’, and while auditions tend to make me uptight and nervous, I figured this was no pressure on me, as it had nothing to do with my performance, and was only about the hair.

Still, wanting to do my best, I researched modeling and tips for the ‘Go-See’.  I read the importance of wearing light make-up, having a nice neutral manicure, and clean hair.  My hair is something I have been complimented on almost daily since I was a child.  I use to hate my frizzy hair and thought strangers were simply being sweet to me.  Only a couple years ago did I finally accept my hair IS beautiful and unknown people are generous with their kindness because they are genuine in their expression.  Living my whole life with long hair, I know my hair looks best with one day of grime built up: freshly shampooed = more frizz and less curls.  I wish I had listened to my better judgement, knowing my curls were specifics in which they were interested.

Back to the ‘Go-See’, I have never in my life seen so many very tall, very thin women gathered in one place at one time. To my calculations, they saw approximately 300 girls in that three hour time frame.  Fast forward, the event has passed and no call back did I receive.  All is well, because every event is part of a bigger picture, and when realizing this we can learn.  Regardless the reason for not being included in the showcase, I am reminded to listen to my own personal truth via experience.

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I am myself and no one else

I play the cards-fate’s deltas

Together, now we play this game

You and I “what is in a name?”

Unlike you; I win! You lose.

Not comprehending my recent rouse

You yell and scream..

Left in your dream.

Permitted your reality;

Allow me mine and let me be.

I know you’ll do what’s good for you.

Be sure I’ll do the best for me.

My reason lies within..

Relies on me and where I’ve been

As well as what my future holds

Which by no psychic can be told

You believe you could control me

How naive would I have to be?

Intelligent manipulation

One fallacy of our great nation

Oxy-MORON

Died in the wool

Wake-up beautiful

My brain does function, while

You con-nect dis/junctions

Do not maintain your refrain

Please, challenge your own brain

Freedom relished- understood,

Able to do all I wished I could.

Happiness- adulthood-

Anticipation of what I should

Do for Me and not for you.

Not bound by your sad missed venue,

I impart upon My journey

Of Life and World and all Beauty.

Discover, Learn and be myself

create and fill my own bookshelf

With what is mine, my mind inside

Though not haystly rushed before I

Careful, Cautious- True-

For Me, -not for you?

Individual- I stand

Holding humanities soft touch hand.

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A fellow actor told me I would make a great Magenta in a live performance of ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’.  He followed up by asking if I can sing.  Stammering to answer, eventually I came out with a “yes”, explaining my hesitation how- despite mother’s teasing of my then preteen rendition of  Madonna- I have been told by a teacher, in a singer’s voice workshop, I am good enough and should go out for vocal auditions.  Confidence is the challenge I face when standing up to ambitiously belt it out in front of people.  Akin to anything, if you do not sing with all you have, from the depths of your guts, the outcome will be splintered.

Additionally, the aforementioned actor is currently undergoing chemotherapy in order to survive stomach [strike that, I was corrected, it is actually] “ASS” cancer.  In response to my embarrassed explanation he said “without being rude or insensitive, get over it- life is too short”.  Perspective is a wondrous skill.  He is, of course, absolutely right.  Keeping my voice private because of a silly fear to be judged is a handicap I volunteer to carry as my burden.  Realizing this, I can choose to cast off this albatross, just as I have forbidden ‘guilt’, now too shall I deprive fear.

To state in the affirmative: I foster innocence and demand bravery for this life.  It is no surprise to find often the two go hand in hand- when I shirk away from something due to fear, guilt remains for not going after my ambition.  No tomorrow is promised to me, and though I not-so-secretly dream of living to be an all around healthy 111 year-old, the best lessons I have learned from my elders has been one of no regrets, which notably includes saying and doing as you please (causing no harm to others) in pursuit of happiness.  A spry woman 95 years of age tickled me when she shared her two secrets to great health: sex and yogurt!  She made no qualms and did not take herself too seriously.  Life is about the living of it, for the brief whole time we remain above the ground.