With Any Other Name (poem)

Skyline drive

 

golden velvet liquid ripples

become lavender smoke

grows silence pre dark’s crowning

blessing time `s near broke.

keen aim ablaze propels

Nature’s gentle admiration-

profound Magic smiles-

to steady thoughts of calm creation.

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Eco Quality

July held an eco-cast audition [a recorded video submitted on-line] which led to a live call-back [a second audition]. This was excitedly my first eco-interview.  Most actors agree, auditioning is THE dread downside of the profession. Anxiety in wanting the part, feeling the need to be “good enough”, and desire to be chosen for the part rather than rejected. Truth is, as I was reminded, talent may play less in casting than fitting the right Look of actors together, scheduling, and name recognition [a large part of the biz is who knows You].

The challenge, personally, is in the tension and pressure I place on the event as a pass/fail test of my ability.  A tense actor is not going to “Live Truthfully” or show herself in the best light.  The recorded audition went wonderfully well for two reasons.  One- a good director friend read the other character’s lines, and two- we did about four takes of each scene… progressively getting more comfortable with the material and relaxing to sound more like the voice I naturally speak.  Of course it helped greatly to have a bit of direction after each go AND having casting only see the best take. Another reminder was the importance of following instructions.

Two sides [a scene from the script used for auditioning to give the casting director/producer/director a glimpse of you as this character] were emailed to actors.  One actor posted her video on YouTube, having only filmed herself performing one of the scenes. Trusting she did not make the call-back cut, partly because subsequent correspondence included even more specific instructions as to the importance in reading and following ALL instructions as an indicator of both professionalism and one’s ability to take direction on-set.  I did not get the part in the end, the value remained in being reminded “the look” matters immensely. While I do have a tree-hugging quality (which was right for the role) the smooth polished look of a political campaigner or cop is not my “casting type”.  Thorough attention to detail is a pleasant asset, and as a said Asset- well reminded- not possessed by all.

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P.ost S.cript   I extend a Big THANK YOU to so many for your support and kindness throughout 50 posts, and beyond!

“Stinking Rose”

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” wisdom from a babe, implying how labels or judgements matter not. Certainly to Juliette- Romeo’s last name and their houses having a long-standing Hatfield vs. McCoy type family feud, made not her love for him more dim. Some people love … let us use … garlic, while others cannot stand it.  Personally, I relish the smell of fresh cut garlic the instant it hits heat, and the residual aroma left lingering on my fingers hours later, mmm mmmm yum yum yum.  If there ever were a true chance of becoming a vampire, final death via garlic consumption would inevitably be mine.  However, regardless of it’s all around deliciousness to me, more than the undead are repelled.

Born with inherent opinion, we know instinctively I do/do not like that color/smell/taste/knowledge/attitude/opinion/sound.  It is not something to be rationalized or convinced otherwise. Regardless of how healthy mushrooms are for me, I canNOT get past the texture. Reportedly, I use to consume them in mass quantities before I can remember, but as far as my recollection- ick, gross, nu-uh.  Such is the case with each of us, we may not be able to articulate here and now why or what we do or don’t care for, but we know how we feel in our gut. Though tastes may change, most likely it still will not be a conscious decision.

The visceral gut is the space from which great acting springs, where our spirit sings, or screams.  This impulse is antithetical to a contrived manipulation and rationalization of the head and ego demanding how we want others to behave or the scene to go. Living truthfully, embracing the serendipity of each moment, discovering, allowing it to be the rose it IS rather than wishing it morph to another within our control- such is life- struggle vs. acceptance: frustration or surrender.  Had Juliette attempted to deny her love, how would the story have gone?  She might have lived to old age, but she would have been an empty shell from renounced Love.  Give yourself permission to be audacious, to validate the quiet voice deserving perseverance.

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Addict of Inspiration

Many local librarians know me on a first name basis.  Admittedly, I currently have as many books checked out as I have years to this Life’s experience.  Times past I would visit the “discount chain” store and impulsively purchase items.  These days, an impulse strikes me to learn about a subject (finance, speak French, meditate) or a specific book comes on my radar (a book club, movie soon-to-be/in production based on a book, or referenced in yet another book) and immediately I logon, sign-in, search the on-line directory and submit a request for pick-up at my nearby repository.  The New York library system is unrivaled, and gratitude saturates my existence to reside in a world wealthy in easy accessing of books, movies, and music.

Last year was particularly strengthening, in parts because within six months I divorced from a relationship spanning half my life and my Dad died.  Listening to CDs of chanting monks, Ayurvedic Sutras, and spiritual teachings checked out from the library became my salvation.  Calmed, perked, and inspired- I was reminded Life gives no more than can be consumed and to surrender to this blessing.  There was a moment, I believed I may very well be on the brink of  insanity- feeling so much ripped from my gut- in a state of not knowing anything, including how to sleep alone in a strange space alone.  I felt completely crumbled, and yet, still, undeniably uplifted.  When, acquiescing to the truth that only sane people have the where-with-all to contemplate such an inquiry as lucidity, a hope and appreciation for what I was previously blind to created a bravery I had not known to be possessed.

Many beautiful, fulfilling, inspired relationships and opportunities have come into Life.  Allowing myself to become open to them, thankful for each “wrong turn” fore the scenic route takes me on a drive past the lake I never saw.  Before, I felt myself to be alone- my mother is not one to speak frankly with, and as an only child mostly growing-up friendships are few, but flourishing.  Now, I respect “No man is an island” though occasionally forgotten in ego-ick-feelings.

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Overjoyed October (JINX)

For the first time, since quitting a full-time job two months ago, I have made enough money to cover the week’s expenses.  Though it is only one week, what a reassuring way to begin a full month of Autumn!  Through work on CBS T.V. shows ‘Blue Bloods’ on Monday and ‘Elementary’ (the new take on the classic Sherlock Holmes tale with Watson played by the lovely Lucy Liu) on Friday, combined with the regular Wednesday retained at the Retina Surgeon’s office- savings remain safe- or at least extended.  I am on the way toward supporting the monetary expenses of life through being an artist.

The second week of October, to balance, proved less exciting.  Casting rang and asked me to hold Tuesday directly following Labor Day for a show in its first season: ‘Next Caller’ with Dane Cook.  I was thankful, and declined a subsequent request from ‘Law & Order: SVU’ for the same date.  However, the holiday was cause for a rearrange of scheduling and a cancelation for my booking.  Naturally, the spot had been filled for the other show.  Although, I ended up being asked to work an extra day in the doctor’s office due to staff absences for vacations and illnesses.  No show biz work or paychecks for week two, though the additional day in the office coupled with an evening modeling for a two hour art class- again the week’s bills were made.  

All’s well.  Truthfully, I strive to consistently put the sunny-side of things out there, but for some reason, though I rationally know I am making progress and am scheduled for work on shows Monday (‘Smash’) and Tuesday- ahead of the weekly budget- emotion has me downtrodden.  Perhaps it is the impending birthday, once excited for, at the end of the week.  Or the focus on where I want to be over what I am doing to get there in a successive manner of small accomplishments.  Realizing it IS only a funk for the moment, grown into this day, I pledge to funnel the feelings into creative motivation andconquer the real issue- my need for an agent.

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Living Is Learning; To Trust Oneself

Last week I had a ‘Go-See’ with L’Oreal.  A ‘Go-See’ is like an audition, except for models- so the clients can see how you look in person, and usually, how you walk (the runway, as a model).  In this case it was to evaluate hair to determine if I was an apt specimen to demonstrate a new hair gloss product to the people of L’Oreal flying into New York from around the globe for a week long convention to educate the company hairstylists about all the innovating products newly available.  Being an actress, this was my first ‘Go-See’, and while auditions tend to make me uptight and nervous, I figured this was no pressure on me, as it had nothing to do with my performance, and was only about the hair.

Still, wanting to do my best, I researched modeling and tips for the ‘Go-See’.  I read the importance of wearing light make-up, having a nice neutral manicure, and clean hair.  My hair is something I have been complimented on almost daily since I was a child.  I use to hate my frizzy hair and thought strangers were simply being sweet to me.  Only a couple years ago did I finally accept my hair IS beautiful and unknown people are generous with their kindness because they are genuine in their expression.  Living my whole life with long hair, I know my hair looks best with one day of grime built up: freshly shampooed = more frizz and less curls.  I wish I had listened to my better judgement, knowing my curls were specifics in which they were interested.

Back to the ‘Go-See’, I have never in my life seen so many very tall, very thin women gathered in one place at one time. To my calculations, they saw approximately 300 girls in that three hour time frame.  Fast forward, the event has passed and no call back did I receive.  All is well, because every event is part of a bigger picture, and when realizing this we can learn.  Regardless the reason for not being included in the showcase, I am reminded to listen to my own personal truth via experience.

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Better Daze (poem)

There’s a place that no one knows

Sometimes most I love to go

Always here I’m all alone

Near to me and close to home

The space is small and warmth resides

No fear exists; no truth to hide

I’m loud and free, out of my mind

More paths must be I want to find

Searching- there, is happiness

Landing- comfort, I confess

Always, you expect to be.

Changing is reality

Know final words, of what,? to say

My feelings here have gone astray

Growing them from sad and glum

Smiling now I laugh and hummm

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Intention: Truth and Love

The average yearly income for an actor in the state of California is $60,000….a median number I would will be happy to earn next year.  This fact was delivered to my attention in the form of a notice stating $4030.50 was due by me before September 15th. Thankfully, a pleasant and knowledgable Jack in Sacramento made this simple mistake, via the city of Los Angeles, disappear.  Some individuals might have become worked-up over a scary expensive notice with no validity, but because I knew there was zero truth to the claim- it was easy to laugh.

I love how we are tested to practice what we preach.  This bill arrived the day I signed up to become a member of SAG-AFTRA, the union for professional film, television, and radio artists.  A weighty decision- admittedly not contained in the budgetary savings- with a price tag of $3,000.  Being eligible to join from time studying/pursuing acting in Los Angeles, I committed to the currency of this endeavor after taking a step back and re-evaluating the ultimate goal: to be working as an actress professionally.  Naturally, at some point, to achieve this ambition I would eventually be paying the initiation fee to be a part of this organization.  So why now?

Because, one company (utilized by ‘Boardwalk Empire’) supplying background actors for television and films shot in New York, where it pleases me to reside, allows union members to register with them on the first Wednesday of each month.  Non-union actors are invited to mail a headshot/resume, and submit themselves for occasionally updated casting notices listed on the website.  This option seemed to present a lower opportunity for success.  The intention is in pursuit to live the life of my dreams: to be paid as an artist, therefore, I consider this a necessary investment moving me toward my professional career!  In spite of the monetary magnitude, I am grateful for the skill alluded to with this status.  When approaching agents and casting directors one less obstacle, that may or may not have been preventing progress, is removed.  I was already behaving as a professional and now I made it official!

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Passion Ate Time

Acting revealed itself to me only after I moved to Los Angeles, where the buzz of everyone else doing it bred curiosity in me to discover “what’s all this about”?  The library is a wonderful resource for every endeavor, especially when you live in Hollywood and the subject is acting- I checked out any book: Stanislavski, Adler, Meisner, and every one on the business too.  Read them all, took thorough notes on all subjects and experiences almost to the point of obsession.  Feeling I was a late starter in my early twenties- most actresses seeming to have either been a child actor or gotten ‘the big break’ when barely legal to purchase a lottery ticket- my self-education about this much admired, and often under respected, art made me realize the never before fathomed: an integral piece of me had been neglected.

Poetry was a blessing, a therapeutic release, I began prolifically producing in the back of 9th grade Economics.  It flowed, fed by my life experiences and the entertainment I enjoyed- namely ‘The X-Files’.  One parental unit urged me toward becoming a lawyer, when I excelled in debate, and a doctor, when I demonstrated a natural inclination toward the sciences.  However, every tiny piece occurs in preparation for another, and so….university calculus became the catalyst for re-evaluation and realization true fulfillment requires artistry for me….furthered by reading borrowed books and amalgamated in the first acting school ever attended being a Meisner Technique Playhouse, discovered in the trade paper Backstage West: I knew I was fortunate to be a clean slate to soak up TRUTHFUL acting technique emphasizing REALISM.  Day one, the teacher queried where I had previously studied.  Believing it be the ritual for new comers, I shyly admitted the truth, though in two years of attendance not another student was asked.

Stanislavski aroused in my belly acting’s “poetic reflection of life’s experience”.   A fiery spirit was fueled, hungry to devour more.  I audited every class and teacher I could at my new home, Playhouse West, filling notebooks with insights.  Thus I befriended myself and the dedication required of acting so natural it goes unnoticed by the untrained eye.

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Eternal Love (poem)

the ocean and the shore together for all Eternity

this is us forever and how we’ll always be

beauty and perfection they coincide

with all we share, the flow of love that is so deep inside

you’re my fallen angel with wings I cannot see

you take us high above the clouds with love that sets us free

in your eyes the stars shine bright and I can see me too

more splendid than the sunrise- we are- and I thank you

 

thundering with praise, lightening sings our love

rainbows smile, rain cries tears of joy from high above

true love deep within my heart- my heart and soul

every breath a smile for knowing together we are whole

 

I give you a love that few have ever dreamt of

Sharing our life our hearts our time

This is a dream: you and me

and I will love you eternally

 

you are strong- your hugs, your life, your love

nothing could break our bond- we have what few have ever dreamt of

a dream most flawless, our love is true, as real as Time

I will eternally love you- our love is majestically sublime

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